I’m Not a Racist, But…
Once upon a time, long, long, long ago, in ancient history, way back in 2015, I ran into some racism in real estate.
I was pounding the pavement looking for delightful new clients to add to my growing collection. I rang this homeowner’s doorbell and whaddya know? Turns out they were thinking of selling! A few days later I came over, knocked their socks off, and they signed a listing agreement with me. We put a plan together to stage and sell that sucker. It was on my way out… I’ll never forget this jaw-dropping moment where I began to learn how sheltered and privileged, I was.
The homeowner (a very nice white human) and I were chatting about details in the garage. I was just about to head out when he started in with, “Hey Jen, I’m not a racist but…”
Friends, let me clue you in on something, anytime you start any sentence with “I’m not a _____, but…” you should come to a mother-loving screeching halt. Really consider what you’re about to reveal.
As an example, statements like,
“I’m not a hoarder, but….”
“I’m not a butter addict, but….”
“I don’t wear my pants backward, but …”
“I swear I’m not weird, but…”
While I do appreciate the transparency, those sentences usually don’t end well. And like I said, they’re always revealing.
Now, I literally feel sick to my stomach even typing how this particular sentence ended. However, sometimes I believe it’s important to look ourselves right in the pupils.
This sentence went something like,
“Hey Jen, I’m not a racist but … could we make sure one of those Hmong families doesn’t buy the home? I mean, I’m sure they’re great people. But I really like my neighbors. It seems like those people have really big families and they park lots of cars outside and I promised my neighbors I’d make sure we keep the neighborhood good.”
My jaw dropped. Literally, dropped. I was stammering trying to figure out what to say.
Because you know… racism doesn’t really happen like that. Except it does.
And it didn’t just happen 60 years ago with redlining and segregation and discriminatory lending. It still happens today. In case you’re wondering, I told him that was discrimination and there was no way I could make any such promise. If he wanted to continue that kind of behavior, I would not work for him.
That’s our duty as realtors. We play a tremendous role in helping people gain stable housing and build generational wealth. Additionally, we have human and civil rights to protect, and history to make.
I’m writing this tonight, after seeing a post in a FB group regarding a social equity training, we had at our recent national convention.
During that session Gary Keller stated that it’s not enough to not be racist, we must also be anti-racist.
Seems reasonable to me. And while there are many advocates, and supporters, and believers in this humans rights cause, turns out there is quite a jam of people who think it’s a bunch of political hogwash. There were nearly 400 comments on that particular post and it took me over an hour to read them. Some of them positive and supportive and some .. well… very discouraging comments.
Again, I was just dumbfounded. And I’m kinda embarrassed to say I was surprised. I shouldn’t be surprised. But I was.
I’m white, so I don’t feel blackness every day. And it’s easy for me to forget what’s beneath the surface.
That being said, REALTORS, I’m speaking specifically to us right now.
We do not have the right or privilege in our industry to avoid this conversation. We are bound by a code of ethics. Our clients trust us as a fiduciary.
Honestly, I needed that wake-up call. Being in the center of Minneapolis leading a diverse market center, just miles from where George Floyd was murdered. My experience has been enlightening, to put it softly.
Time passes. And things settle down. And I forget how much work we have to do as a society and as individuals. I was convicted about that last night. This has been and will be an insidious, pervasive issue that requires consistent conversation. Not just requires. Deserves.
Tonight, I’m challenged with two main things
First – We represent people of every race and work in an industry where we need to abide by fair housing laws and understand discriminatory practices.
The mere fact that many realtors are unwilling or unable to even hear this conversation is extremely concerning.
It’s not fun or sexy. We need to get over it and do the right thing.
As realtors, we have a responsibility to look at the history of real estate and understand how our industry has fractioned cities and dictated which versions of skin color can buy what, or at all, or with a loan or not. The SYSTEM has oppressed certain groups of people from the opportunity to a stable home AND has kept them from an equitable opportunity to build generational wealth.
Empathy would allow us to imagine if that was us, would our story be the same? If that was my grandparents’ story, would I be sitting here now unwilling to listen or see the issue?
Also… It’s not just history. It’s now. It happens NOW. I can tell you I’ve heard several situations in the last few months where appraisals are coming in extremely low (in one case at 50% below the home value) due to the buyer’s skin color.
Before I continue, let me hop off my high horse.
Guys and gals, I do my best (although I’m imperfect) to put myself in the boat with people. To not just point my finger. So, let me consider, if I had grown up in a home where people of color were talked about in a less-than way, maybe I’d be more defensive about this topic. For sure if I grew up in a blatantly racist home, I’d be much more likely to have all kinds of biases.
The truth is, we all have these insidious implicit biases or unconscious racial biases.
I remember being probably 11 years old, walking into Kohls with my Dad. There was a black teenager with a hoodie walking in next to me, and I instinctively tensed up and grabbed my Dad’s hand. Somewhere I learned that a black boy with a hoodie was scarier than I white kid with a t-shirt on. Where’d that come from? I didn’t know then. It’s nearly 30 years later and I still feel a twinge of shame over that. But it was there.
Let me assure you, in writing this post, I’m not attempting to shame anyone. Let’s just not pretend we don’t have stereotypes, or biases, or pre-judgments, or irrational fears, or uneducated perspectives.
So, we’ve got issues, and Realtors, I’m speaking to us right now, it’s our responsibility to become aware. To be open to seeing things we’ve been blind to. To be humble enough to get off our high horse and admit our ignorance. To take ONE HOUR to sit through training to hear someone else’s perspective.
The second challenge I’m seeing is a human one. The challenge of feeling defensive and what to do with it.
I’m going to say this with as much love as possible. When we say things like, “Well, I would never read a book on that” or “I’m not racist” or “I don’t think that way” or “What about those other people, or that other situation, let’s talk about that instead ” or “anti-racist IS racist” or “I didn’t come to hear how I’m wrong”
What I hear is …
I’m way too UNcomfortable to look at myself, so I’m going to push this away or change the subject.
They’re all comments that deflect.
There are times in life we’re confronted with an opportunity to see some not-so-pretty things in ourselves.
We can grab a flashlight and shine it on our darkest corners and be a party to our own transformation. Or, we can grab a mirror, stop the process from happening, and deflect that light away from ourselves.
Each of those deflective phrases is a defense mechanism. And being on defense is always a protective posture.
So, what are we trying to protect when we do that? Ego and pride? Probably, because I think if we actually look at the ugly parts of ourselves, and if we’re open to change, we might be afraid of what see, and/or that would mean.
What if I’m racist and I start seeing that? What if I have a bias I wasn’t aware of? What if that means I start feeling convicted about Ned who makes jokes about how he won’t hire brown people because they steal from you. My relationships might change, my job might change, or who knows what seeing that would cause. Because I’m aware that once I know or see something, I can’t unknow it. What if I open myself to seeing these things, and I’m embarrassed or ashamed at what I find?
We deflect and defend when there’s something we feel we need to protect. And in doing so, we reveal ourselves.
If you’re not doing it around the issue of racism, I guarantee there are other areas. We all do this. And when we do, it reveals a pain point we need to look at. Our defensiveness reveals us
Now – go ahead and defend yourselves if you must. But for Pete’s sake – your brothers and sisters are sharing their life stories. Their hurts and pains and truth and REAL EXPERIENCES.
And for any one person to stand facing them directly, and tell them it’s not real. Or not true. Or not valid. Or overly emotional. Or complain-y. Yikes. You should probably stop doing that. It’s not a good look on you.
It sucks. But racism exists every single day. And I believe we’ve got bits of it woven into us if we’re really honest with ourselves.
We have a duty and responsibility, especially in our industry, to understand the role discriminatory practices have played in homeownership and continue to, today.
We have an opportunity to be enlightened towards positive change. The choice is ours to lean in, or not. I’m hoping a few more will choose the option to be open to seeing new things.
Let’s learn together. And care about each other.
And recognize our defensiveness and be humble enough to see it for what it is, then watch it disintegrate.
