Unfold, Darling.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

-Anais Nin

This quote became a sort of mantra for me when my father passed away unexpectedly. Two years prior I lost my brother. Their passing, perhaps not surprisingly, caused me to ask myself lots of questions about death… and perhaps more importantly, about life.  

I was about to go on a journey within. I’d grab myself by the core, and turn myself inside out. I’d unfold.

I put this quote on a post-it note in my work folder. When it lost its stickiness, I created a new one and plastered it on my wall by my desk. It was more than a mantra though. It was what I held onto as a north star while I was making some of the toughest, grueling, decisions of my life.

I found myself over and over asking, “What am I doing here? Who am I? What do I even enjoy?!”

I didn’t feel happy, and not just because I was sad. I was unfulfilled. I felt like a fake. I was riddled with anxiety but didn’t recognize it as that. There were days I wondered why I was alive. Not that I didn’t want to be here, but was genuinely wondering, “Why am I here?”

I felt totally trapped.  But it was incredibly scary to consider opening the door and walking out. I knew if I did, I’d have to face some tough stuff. There was an entire world built around a version of me that I didn’t recognize anymore.  I’d have to be real with myself. I’d lose a lot. I didn’t even know what I could gain. I just knew that I couldn’t let myself slowly wither anymore.

I called my mom one day and told her that I was struggling with that super simple little question, ‘Who am I?”

For what it’s worth, it wasn’t the first time I wrestled that question. When I was a stay-at-home mom, and had stopped working. I struggled with identity as I realized how much of my sense of self was wrapped up in my job title. Naturally, I clung to my new title as “mom” and found that was my meaning, that was who I was. Whaddya’ know, I began working again… and guess what? I wrapped my identity right up in my title, image and role once again. . I was this woman on a stage, with a presence and a “divine gift” and all of the sudden, I wasn’t that anymore.

It’s so incredibly human to define ourselves, and our find identity in labels outside ourselves, rather than finding our identity within. The problem is obvious, when those things change, we risk losing ourselves entirely.

I left a career, faith structure, and marriage all within a 2-year period. And of course, after a lifetime of jolting back and forth with an identity wrapped up in external things. I was left pretty darn confused. Or maybe lost feeling. Of course, I’d be asking, “Who am I?”

When I called my mom that day, she gave me such a gift (in addition to birthing me into this world) in her answer. She said something to the effect of, “Jenny, who you are, is who you’ve always been. From the time you were born. All the characteristics that really make you, you. Your spirit. Your nature. I can see them all the way back to when you were a baby and a toddler.”

Of course. That’s right.  

I can see a string of who I am that’s pulled me throughout my life. And who I was as a toddler, was obviously prior to me having any external labels to identify with. Who I am, is who I’ve always been. It’s who I am at the core.

I don’t need to change. I don’t need to struggle to become something different.

I only need to see the truth at the core and unfold.  

And so, the process of transformation becomes one of determining what aligns with our core. Then holding on to what’s true, and we letting go of what’s not.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

I came back to this quote time and time again when I was making little decisions as well as the biggest most courageous decisions of my life.

I knew deep down that the pain of holding on to the things that weren’t for me was greater than the pain, risk, and courage it would take to let go and unfold.

I didn’t know where each of those decisions would lead me. I simply knew I had to walk forward.

What I didn’t know at the time is that I was about to go on a journey, that would ultimately bring me back home. Back home to me. To the truest and gorgeous, fullest version of me I could fathom. 

Because like that flower that hasn’t blossomed, all the beauty was already inside of me.

Yes, loves it’s scary as hell. It requires vulnerability. But it is oh so freeing. And when you’re open and unfolded, the struggle within yourself dissipates. When resistance is removed guess what you get?

Flow. Joy. Ease. Success.

Don’t get me wrong. I wrestled with that knowing. I get it. You know what you’ve got right now. It’s comfortable. It’s predictable. It’s not different, and different is difficult.

But as easy as it seems to remain tight in the bud, is it possible that while you think you’re living in a safe shelter, you’re actually slowly withering?

Remaining closed in, clinging by your fingernails to stay protected, takes immensely more energy than releasing your grip to unfold.

Here’s some fun news.

As I unfolded, I found my joy again. I found a career that was exciting and energizing. Opportunities and doors began to open, I made more money than I ever thought possible. My faith became real and full of life and hope, rather than guided by rules full of fear. I experienced connectedness and in relationships as I had never before. All the things I tried to create on my own, and force, I couldn’t do. I couldn’t make it happen. I had to let it happen.

Please hear me on this. You may unfold and find a deeper level of intimacy in your current relationship, or maybe you’re running from a promotion that is truly in alignment with you. The choice doesn’t always mean leaving things. Sometimes it does.

The real courage comes in being true to ourselves, doing the hard work of introspection, and then aligning with that.

If you feel afraid of what you’ll find, remember God, the Universe, always has what’s best for you.

If you’re gripping on for dear life white-knuckling it, closed in on yourself, hear me loud and clear, there is a different more beautiful way.

There is a different more beautiful way.

There is hope. There is a future beaming with light and potential. And you wouldn’t be where you’re at, you wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t have what it takes to discover your truth and courageously take a risk on yourself.

What you need, in order to make this decision, is already here. You have what it takes. You are connected to Love in such a way, that Every. Single. Thing. You need. It’s here now.

It’s IN you now.

Unfold, darling. `

xoxo Jen

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